Lately, I have been reminiscing over my life and thinking about the decisions I've made to get me to this point in my life. I know I can't undo the past but I still get those thoughts of "what if I zagged instead of zigged back then?" and "what would my life be if I chose this path instead of the one I chose?".
I can't help but think when I was younger, I was so focused on making something of myself that I would be desirable and financially secure when I got older. I can remember back when girls were talking about how they don't want to be with a broke man and listening to songs like "Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent" on the radio. Let's not forget the bombardment of negative stereotypes from movies and TV of Black people. We're lazy, not wanting to work, living on welfare, the cause of all crime in America; I could go on.
Bottom line is I spent to majority of my pursuing the "perfect" job over a personal life, making lots of money so that I wouldn't be struggling by the time I retire. Well, now that I'm over 50 years old, I'm nowhere near that goal. Working as a contractor for companies such as GE and AT&T was NOT my idea of the "perfect job". Still struggling to make ends meet. Still have that anticipation in the back of my mind that eventually something or someone will come along to bring chaos and disruption in my life to cause me to start over yet again.
I also can't help but think if I had put more energy in pursuing a personal life than a professional one, I may have been better off. But as I said before, who wants to be with a broke man? I was 30 when I actually began pursuing a relationship with someone. Being a virgin in every sense of the word, it was very awkward in the beginning, but like everything else in my life, it was a matter of me putting in the effort and learning from my mistakes before I would eventually become more adept at how to talk to people and conduct myself.
I'm over the hill now, and over the way I used to think about things. I'm no longer going to spend the rest of the time I have left on this earth chasing after things that are out of my reach. The book of Ecclesiastes says pursuing worldly possessions is like "chasing the wind". I feel like that is what I have been doing for most of my life, but not any more! As for work, I report to work, do my 8 hours then go home.....nothing more! Sacrificing personal time in hopes of getting ahead hasn't worked for me so I would be a fool to continue foregoing personal opportunities for something that may or MAY NOT happen career-wise. Statistically, a White high school dropout has a far better chance of getting ahead in the Information Technology field that a Black, college educated and experienced person like myself , and I tend to believe that based upon my 26 years of experience in this field.
Now, if there's an opportunity for me to travel and/or meet people, I take them. Of course I give notice at work ahead of time. Still have to pay the bills!. But my focus is now on personal growth more than professional. Being more concerned about who or where I want to visit than worrying if I fixed this person's computer to their satisfaction, I completed this project on time, I will pay all the bills for this week, or I will still have a job tomorrow. I am SO tired of all that stress!! An it never ends not matter how much I try to keep ahead of things!
All I can do now is to do the best I can with what I have and let God handle the rest!
